Sunday, May 07, 2006

Ice cream truck covered in skulls

By now most web-savvy peops are familiar with the fantastic website 'Chuck Norris Facts' which provides valuable insight into the amazing qualities of the American icon. Some of my favorite facts:
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
  • A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
  • On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Yeah, those are all good, but the most interesting and important fact about Chuck Norris is this one (8th fact on the home page)
"Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls."
I have always held Chuck Norris in fairly high regard. His achievements in martial arts and his outstanding film/television acting have endeared him to me. However, upon learning that he has gone through the trouble of skullifying his ice cream truck, Chuck has become my personal hero. Some people might ask, "why an ice cream truck?" How about because ice cream is freakin' good? Also, I don't think Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck to make money. Dude's worth more than Switzerland. The skulls are to keep nancy-boy kids from chasing him down the street begging for his frozen confections.

And so, in tribute to Chuck Norris' brilliance, I've decided to cover the door to my refrigerator with skulls. Not only will this ensure that my delicious perishables remain safe from would-be moochers, but it will increase the value of my home exponentially.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Animal skulls are also quite cool

When one thinks about skulls and their many amazing qualities, they tend to focus exclusively on the human skull. It is, no doubt, the coolest of the skulls, but it by no means holds a monopoly on skull-related coolness. Take for example the skull of cow... especially that of a bull.

It was a great day in my youth when my best friend Brian and I came accross one such skull while digging for clay in the nearby catchbasin. We wondered what we had done right to be so favorably smiled upon by the skull gods. After considering what to do with it—attach it to the hood of my parents' Oldsmobile Delta 88; cover it in something that looked like blood and put it in my sister's bed; make it into a ultra-sweet mask—we came to the logical conclusion that a skull of such unfathomable value should be buried as treasure!

We used all the stealth and cunning we had to carefully bury it in the woods behind my house whilst keeping a leery eye open for the potential of spying neighborhood kids. Next we drew up an incredibly detailed and accurate treasure map, complete with color-coded legend, on the back of a paper sack. Now all we had to do was wait for some undetermined future date when we would ceremoniously excavate our treasure and bask in the glory and wealth that would surely follow.

Unfortunately, our attention deficit hyperactivity disorders took over and we moved on to the next adventure without thoughtfully planning where to safe-keep the treasure map. To this day we have no idea where it is. Nevertheless, I'm certain that one day it will surface and Brian and I will make a holy pilgrimage to unearth that glorious bull skull.
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On another note, someone should get me this belt buckle because they feel bad for me or something. On sale for $24.99 at this site.




Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Grateful Dead Skull

Any true skull enthusiast holds a deep respect and reverence for the indomitably awesome Grateful Dead skull. It really doesn't matter whether you are a sipa-playing, VW-bus-driving, bra-burning, hemp-bracelet-wearing, shower-boycotting, ganja-food-eating, patchouli-stinking hippie or not. Actually, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who doesn't dig it. It's so cool, in fact, that the legendary Don Henley (pic) sings about it in "The Boys of Summer":
...Out on the road today I saw a DEADHEAD sticker on a Cadillac. A little voice inside my head said "don't look back, you can never look back"...

It's difficult to put into words just how cool this skull is. I mean look at it! It's kinda alien shaped, it lacks a jaw bone, there's a rad lightning bolt jagging through it... I think the blue stands for ice, which is symbolic of its "coolness," while the red stands for either blood or fire—both of which are unquestionably awesome.

Some 10-12 years ago, it became en vogue at my junior high school to wear tie-died Grateful Dead t-shirts sporting the venerated skull w/ lightning bolt. The influx of skull sightings was a welcome addition to CJH, but with that influx came the unwelcome addition of "skull offenders"—those who wear skulls in hope of becoming cool, yet are so fatally uncool that they actually tarnish the coolness of skulls by wearing them.

These kids were easily identified. They typically tucked their tie-died Grateful Dead t-shirts into their tapered-fit Lee jeans, thusly accentuating their belly-pudge. It was common for them to be seen wearing socks with their knock-off Birckenstock sandals as well. They also tended to use offensive amounts of hair gel, resulting in green or purple crustified globs accessorizing their coiffures.

Amazingly, the Grateful Dead skull has retained it's luster after decades of mistreatment from skull offenders. This fact adds to its legacy of one of the awesomest skulls ever.

Monday, May 01, 2006

You should get this for me

Usually once a day, during my post lunch hour mindlessness, I will do a google image search for skulls. There is a dissapointing paucity of sweet skull pics on the web, so maybe that's something we can all work on together. During today's search I came accross this item:As you can tell, it is an incredibly creative, fear-inspiring baseball hat with a skull on the brim. I am particularly fond of the "adjustable via velcro" feature. I considered buying it for myself, but then I realized that pretty much everyone I know owes me something. Therefore, I am opening it up to whomever would like to rediscover themself in my good graces.

I always knew skulls were cool...

I mean, c'mon, they are fearless, expressionless, colorless, and, I assume, odorless. Pretty much every cool band or group of dudes has employed the use of skulls in at least some of their identifying miscellanea. I tend to use the presence of skulls, or lack thereof, as the deciding criteria of what is worth my time or money.

Even in my formative years as youngster in the 80's did I have such an affinity for the skull. I was, and still am, a serious fan of Transformers. The autobot logo has strikingly similar features to a skull. It wasn't till years later that I figured out this was the reason I was so taken with the cartoon and toys. Even Optimus Prime, my mentor and hero looks like he simply has a skull for a head protected by a fabulously futuristic blue helmet. (see here).

And so, this site is pretty much dedicated to skulls and their supreme awesomeness, and my soccer team that is unofficially named Skull Axe. ...I also think the axe is a cool weapon.